How to Connect with Your Kids Through Validation
Parenting comes with its share of challenges, especially when emotions are high, and behaviors are way outside our “window of acceptability.” Maybe it’s a meltdown, name-calling, or a defiant refusal to follow directions. In those moments, our instincts often tell us to fix the problem or discipline the behavior immediately. But what if there was a better way to respond—one that not only addresses the behavior but also strengthens your relationship with your child?
That’s where validation comes in. Validation is the skill of recognizing and acknowledging your child’s feelings and perspective before jumping to solutions or consequences. It’s not about agreeing with them; it’s about showing them that their emotions are seen, understood, and respected. And when you validate your child, something magical happens: you create a deeper connection and lay the foundation for growth and learning.
Why Validation Matters
When kids are upset, they want to feel understood. Validation tells them, “I see you. I hear you. Your feelings make sense.” This simple acknowledgment can:
Reduce emotional intensity: When children feel heard, they’re more likely to calm down.
Strengthen trust: Kids are more open to guidance when they know you’re on their side.
Foster emotional regulation: Validation helps kids learn to process and manage their feelings in healthy ways.
Encourage cooperation: When kids feel connected, they’re more willing to listen and collaborate.
Common Challenges Parents Face
Validation sounds simple, but in the heat of the moment, it’s anything but easy. Here’s why:
We want the behavior to stop. When emotions are running high, our instinct is to jump in and fix the problem.
We dismiss their feelings. It’s easy to say things like, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll be fine,” thinking it will help. But for kids, this often feels dismissive.
We’re uncomfortable with big emotions. Seeing our kids upset can trigger our own frustration or discomfort, making it harder to respond thoughtfully.
How to Validate Your Child
Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with your child’s perspective or allow unacceptable behavior. It simply means you acknowledge their emotions before addressing the behavior. Here’s how:
Pause and Breathe: When you’re tempted to react, take a moment to calm yourself. This helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally.
Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Try to see the situation from your child’s perspective. Ask yourself, “If I were their age, with their skills and experiences, how would I feel?”
Reflect Their Feelings: Use simple phrases like:
“It sounds like you’re really frustrated right now.”
“I can see why you’re upset about that.”
“That must have felt really disappointing.”
Avoid Problem-Solving (For Now): Resist the urge to jump in with solutions or advice. Focus on listening and understanding first.
Acknowledge Without Agreeing: Validation doesn’t mean approval. For example, you can say, “I understand why you’re angry,” while still setting a boundary: “But hitting your sibling is not okay.”
The Iceberg of Behavior
It’s helpful to think of your child’s behavior as the tip of an iceberg. What’s underneath? Feelings, thoughts, and unmet needs. When we focus only on the behavior, we miss the opportunity to address the root cause. Validation helps us dive below the surface to understand what’s really going on.
For example, a child who’s whining might be feeling overwhelmed or ignored. By saying, “I hear you. It sounds like you’re having a hard time,” you show them you’re tuned in to their experience. This connection creates a safe space for them to calm down and learn how to cope.
Validation in Action
Imagine your child is upset because they can’t go to a friend’s party. Instead of saying, “You’ll get over it,” try:
“I can see why you’re so disappointed. I’d feel the same way if I were excited about something and couldn’t go. I know it’s hard.”
You’re not changing your boundary, but you’re showing empathy. Even if they’re still upset, your acknowledgment helps them feel supported rather than dismissed.
Validation Strengthens Relationships
One of the greatest powers we have as parents is our relationship with our children. Validation strengthens this bond by creating a sense of safety and trust. It tells your child, “I’m here for you, even when things are tough.”
And here’s the bonus: when kids feel connected, they’re more likely to listen, cooperate, and internalize the values we’re trying to teach. Validation doesn’t weaken your authority; it enhances it by fostering mutual respect.
Try It This Week
Next time your child is upset, take a deep breath and try validating their feelings. Use a phrase like, “I can see why you’re feeling this way,” and notice how it impacts the interaction. You might be surprised at how much easier it becomes to navigate tough moments when your child feels understood.
Remember, validation isn’t about fixing the problem or agreeing with your child. It’s about building a bridge of connection—one that makes it easier for both of you to move forward together.
Parenting is hard, but these small shifts can make a big difference. Let’s choose connection over correction and show our kids that their feelings matter.
If you’re ready to explore parenting strategies that work for your family, let’s connect. Together, we can build a plan to help you manage those parenting challenges with confidence and success.